SIGNPOSTS
Nobody's Perfect
by Glynis Ferguson
Charlie's father left home when he was 11. Ever since, he's unconsciously asked himself what was so wrong with him that his father had to leave. He developed a need to be strong and in control in every area of life to avoid his pain.
Francesca was told by her adoptive mother that she was special, and has spent her life trying to prove it.
Kay came to Hong Kong because of her husband's job. Feeling she had no purpose in life, she threw herself into idolising him and became a support artist. He became her purpose.
Colin's father was an angry, tyrannical man, feared at home. Colin wanted to be his father's favourite son, to be the best. He could not allow himself to make mistakes.
These clients had different emotional fears, yet all had one response: perfectionism. Underneath this, they were afraid of not being good enough.
The perfectionist goads us to do better. It says you should work harder, do better and have everything under control. It tells us not to get complacent. It is the hard-driving part of us that wants us to be the best, which is intolerant of mistakes and which convinces us that our worth is based on externals - money, status, achievement, being loved or accepted, being nice or pleasing to others.
Some people think that if they are hard on themselves, it will motivate them to do better. My experience is that shaming yourself makes you feel more ashamed. And the ultimate cost of perfectionism is stress, exhaustion and burnout.
When we pride ourselves on working harder than others, we fail to take care of ourselves. We are last on our list. Most importantly, perfectionism has no notion of inherent self-worth. If we are perfectionists, we can never connect with others in a meaningful way. The connection is not based on the truth of who we are - humans with strengths and weaknesses, humans who need support from time to time and are vulnerable, humans who don't need to go it alone.
So, how to deal with perfectionism? First, be aware of it. Listen to yourself. How often do you say "I should", "I have to", "I must"?
How does this language limit your choice? Is it empowering or just the opposite? These expressions indicate you are reacting to expectations placed on you by yourself or others. When we use the word "should", we are setting ourselves, or others, up for disappointment. Ask yourself: "Who says I should?" Reframe your language and replace it with "I want" or "I choose". This gives you the opportunity to become more conscious of how you behave.
There are also other methods:
Listen to your negative self-talk. If what you hear is not loving, compassionate, kind, empowering or insightful, don't say it. Most of us like to think of ourselves as loving. How loving is it to call yourself names? Learn to be gentle with yourself.
Challenge your thinking. What negative things do you say about yourself? How do you judge your value?
If you are afraid of making mistakes or unwilling to feel stupid or embarrassed, have more compassion for yourself and do your best. Don't allow perfectionism to stop you taking a risk that will allow you to grow.
Practise accepting yourself as you are, including your weaknesses and imperfections.
Stop comparing yourself to others. Making such comparisons is a sign of fear and it's soul-destroying.
Practise expressing gratitude daily. Perfectionism is about noticing what's wrong and needing everything to be right; gratitude is about noticing what is positive and what is precious. It helps you recognise that although everything isn't perfect, there are things in your life that are wonderful.
Learn to accept praise and compliments. No more saying, "Oh, I haven't done enough."
Let go of the need to be right or in control - go with the flow and accept things you can't change. Ask for support when you need it.
Forget about trying to please everyone. Put yourself first sometimes.
Acknowledge yourself for the steps you take to behave differently. Give yourself credit. It's not about how you did it - it's about whether you did it.
Glynis Ferguson is founder of Freedom from Fear Coaching and a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community (info@coachinghk.org)
