SIGNPOSTS
Messages to Yourself
by Alan Sieler
Charlie had been identified as having leadership potential in a global bank. His manager was concerned that his development as a leader was limited, but believed in his potential. In a meeting between a coach, the manager and Charlie, it was agreed that significant development for Charlie would involve being more strategic as a team leader, delegating and not micromanaging, utilising the expertise of his team, not taking things personally and confidently expressing viewpoints to senior leaders.
Charlie appeared socially confident at work, but it was apparent that inwardly he was not very confident and this seemed to be central to his leadership development. The coach approached this sensitively and respectfully. Charlie came to see that he had been living with a highly restrictive silent conversation, the central part of which was a judgment he had made of himself many years ago that he was inadequate. Despite success in many areas of his life, Charlie had unknowingly carried this negative self-opinion as if it were a fact about him.
Charlie's negative self-judgment had also generated within him a non-resourceful mood. Moods are emotions that "stick around", for better or for worse, can last for decades and form a core part of our attitude and disposition in life.
Without knowing it, Charlie was trapped in a mood of anxiety, which is a debilitating state in which we fear the worst and spend a lot of time protecting ourselves from imagined threats. Charlie was continually imagining how others were thinking negatively about him and worked excessively, including at nights and weekends, to ensure he covered all details so that he could not be criticised. That resulted in his team thinking he did not trust them.Through a specific procedure that investigates whether negative self-opinions have any substance (called grounding assessments), Charlie was surprised to discover that there was no substance to his silent conversation about not being adequate, which he realised he had carried as an enormous burden. He began to accept that this was an obsolete view of himself that he no longer needed to have because it was continually compromising him.
When the coach helped Charlie to articulate the worst-case scenarios he protected himself from, he was amazed that he didn't trust his own ability and at how exhausting it was. The key to Charlie making a substantive change was making changes in his language, mood and physiology. A shift in physiology is an essential part of locking in constructive change.
Living with a burden was pressing Charlie's physiology down and affecting his posture. The coach helped him to be comfortable in a relaxed, upright posture. From that posture, Charlie was able to declare: "I am competent and I am a learner."
Two months later, Charlie's manager reported that he had made the required shifts in the areas for improvement she had identified, on a scale of a rating of two before the coaching to eight or nine after the coaching.
Whenever you feel restricted or blocked in your personal and professional life, a vital first step is to be aware of the specifics of your inner conversation and in particular the negative or critical judgments you may be making of yourself. Ask yourself: "Am I treating these judgments as facts when they are only opinions? What substance is there to my negative self-opinions and how useful are they?"
The second step is to be aware of your mood and ask if it is helpful. If it's not, ask yourself what a more helpful mood would be. Finally, notice if your posture is upright and whether your muscles are suitably relaxed.
Alan Sieler is a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community (info@coachinghk.org).
