SIGNPOSTS
Toddlers
by Gudrun Kittel-Thong
Tantrums mean your child is in a new developmental phase. This can start any time between the ages of 12 months to three years and can take about two years to grow out of. Every child goes through it. But take heart, there are ways to reduce their frequency and drama.
Basically, anything can trigger a tantrum: your child is hungry, tired or feels unwell; he or she feels restricted in their movement, play is interrupted; or frustration with themselves - the conflict between "I can do it" and the realisation that "It doesn't work yet."
However, one fact doesn't change: tantrums occur only when older children or adults are present and seldom among same-age peers. It's helpful to distinguish between tantrums from the ages of 12 months to three years and from three to five years.
In the younger group, children cannot stop themselves - they have a much lower frustration threshold, their verbal skills are still developing and abstract thinking is not yet present. Therefore, appeals such as "be sensible", "watch out, it's dangerous", or "stop being silly" cannot be understood.
Two-year-olds do not yet have the concept of time. "We have to go soon," does not mean much to them. Play interruptions are seen as an action against them and not part of the bigger picture.
Children between three to five years use tantrums to manipulate others. They're testing how far they can overstep limits or how to get something. Adults are easily pulled into a power struggle. The child wants to achieve something, such as attention, more time, or influence over what they're doing.
Each child goes through this phase differently - don't compare, not even among siblings. Children don't throw tantrums non-stop - look at the times when life is good with your toddler and you enjoy each other's company; don't focus on the stressful moments.
Each family has their own tantrum theme (for instance, eating, getting dressed, bathroom rituals, or time management).
Do talk to other families so you know you're not alone in this situation but bear in mind their well meant advice might not always be helpful and can create a feeling of helplessness and failure in you.
There are no sure-fire methods to deal with any possible tantrum situation, so don't despair if nothing works during an uncomfortable scene. Wait it out: a tantrum is merely a release of tension.
Here are some tips for coping:
- Observe when, on what occasion or with which people a tantrum occurs.
- Where does it take place? Are there repetitive situations?
- Communicate clearly. Especially with a young child, have eye contact and touch them when you want to get something important across.
- When setting limits, give the child something tangible to understand, such as an hour glass: "When the sand has run through, we have to go."
- Be flexible with rituals. Ask, "Do you want to brush your teeth before or after our story?" When getting dressed, put out more than one set of clothing and let her decide what to wear. Don't comment on the choice, live with it.
- Agree on a secret gesture from you which means "no" when in the company of others.
- Do not get pulled into a tantrum and "co-tantrum".
- If a tantrum happens in public, focus on your child, not the expectations or comments of onlookers - do as you do at home. Rearrange your bottom shelves in your home so you don't have to caution and forbid too often. Do you have a broken but safe household item that your four-year-old explorer can take apart? Biting is a reflex of anger - give him something to bite on when angry.
- If a situation has to be dealt with quickly with a definite "no", take time afterwards to talk about it and listen to your child's explanation.
- The tantrum-phase is a time when your child is becoming more autonomous; it's a declaration of independence. Accompany your child through it and make sure that you, too, have someone to lean on.
Gudrun Kittel-Thong, director of the Institute of Psychotherapy and Counselling, is a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community
(info@coachinghk.org)
