SIGNPOSTS
Feel the love
by Alan Stewart
A few years ago, I was in Vienna as a speaker at a management conference. One morning, I was in a taxi going from my hotel to the conference centre, and the driver expressed interest in the topic I was presenting.
Suddenly these words came out of my mouth: “Whenever we treat each other well, good things happen.” The driver became so excited that he nearly stopped the car. Then, in a state of high animation, he said: “This is so true. I wish more people knew it.”
And he went on to tell me a remarkable story.
“About 15 years ago, there was a song about a taxi that was very well known in Austria and Germany. I contacted the singer, who lives in Vienna, to ask his permission to use some words from his song on my business card. “
The singer said, ‘You’re most welcome. Be my guest.’ To which I responded, ‘Because you’ve been so generous, I will drive you anywhere you wish to go, for the rest of your life, for no charge’.”
Usually, when I’ve told this story, people mention instances in which they’ve observed the truism of good things happening when people treat each other well. But what does it actually mean to treat others with respect?
Among some possible examples from the story of the taxi driver and the singer are:
- initiating a conversation;
- making a legitimate request;
- listening with attention;
- acting thoughtfully and generously; and
- doing each other a good turn.
Do we treat people with respect to produce a desired result? I don’t think so. We do it because we recognise an intrinsic value in everyone we encounter. And when nice things happen, we can always find good human relations behind them.
In our everyday lives there are many opportunities to be thoughtful and gracious to others, mainly through how we engage in conversation. From the time we’re born we’re highly dependent on others, firstly for nurturing and later for other things such as friendship and love. All of our lives we have a great need for each other, to be seen by others and to find one another.
Perhaps it helps to be more aware that our existence takes place in the relational space of conversation. Conversations aren’t just something we do among other things, they’re our human niche. We live in a world formed through conversation. Conversations make one world or another – not only in how we relate to each other, but in how the whole world arises around us. What we see, feel, do … all of it arises through conversation.
Unfortunately, all of us unknowingly develop patterns in our conversations – for example, only half-listening (listening is a skill that needs to be practised regularly) and interrupting others. These limit our experience and who we imagine ourselves and other people to be.
Our unexamined patterns also constrict our beliefs about our choices and possibilities in terms of what we can and can’t do, to whom we can and can’t relate, and how much passion and desire we do or don’t feel.
This happens, for example, through our judging others before we’ve heard what they can offer and perhaps also through feeling our opinions won’t be valued by others and so not expressing them. A starting point for learning to relate well to people through respectful conversation is to notice who does it and how they do it.
Do they express:
- curiosity about how others see an issue?
- openness to hearing others’ opinion?
- pleasure in spending even a short time with the person?
- questions that are sensitive and yet indicate interest in the person?
- ideas in a way that empowers the listener?
When you notice such behaviour you may come to appreciate that conversation is much more than just idle chat, and that your quality of life can change greatly when you place value on making time to relate well to other people – and to yourself.
Perhaps it’s time to recognise that the joy of living is contributing to the quality of our joint humanity through understanding that we are, not just Homo sapiens (wise man), but Homo sapiens-amans (wise, loving man).
Alan Stewart is a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community (info@coachinghk.org)
