SIGNPOSTS
End of the Affair
by Glynis Ferguson
When Simon first started working with me his goal was to improve his relationship with his wife and children. He complained he didn't feel close to his wife and that his teenage children didn't respect him.
Simon grew up with an authoritarian, critical father. Whatever he did never seemed to be good enough for his dad. Simon desperately wanted to be his father's favourite son, so he spent his life striving to be good and obedient. In fact, he wanted to be the best.
He was afraid of being seen as a loser. His mother taught him not to talk about things and to "be a man". Consequently, he blocked himself off from his feelings. Yet the one thing he longed for was connection. With his wife, he found it hard to be open and honest about his thoughts and feelings. A people-pleaser, he didn't want to upset her when he had a difference of opinion or felt hurt. With his children, he was challenged to set boundaries. He did not respect himself. When it came to anger, most times he kept it in, occasionally he would rage.
A few weeks ago he told me he was distraught: he had had an affair. He was tearing himself apart wondering if he should tell his wife. He wanted to stay in his marriage, he said.
Simon's emotional vocabulary was limited, but slowly I came to understand he felt ashamed of his dishonesty, was worried about the future and conflicted. He was afraid of destroying his marriage, yet there was a small part of him that was afraid of losing what he had found with the "other woman".
I asked him to write a journal about all his thoughts and feelings. What was he blaming, how was he angry, feeling guilty? A journal provided a safe place for him to express himself.
I looked to clarify what it was that made him feel most distraught - the affair itself or the question of whether to tell his wife, or something else?
We explored what was happening in his life and marriage when the affair took place. I asked to what extent his needs were being met or not being met. Was something missing? I also wanted to know if it was a pattern for him to have affairs.
I encouraged him to talk about his marriage, what marriage meant to him, and invited him to ask himself how committed he was to his marriage. We looked at whether he loved his wife and what he loved about his relationship. I asked too what he would like to change, what he thought the issues were in his marriage, where he accepted responsibility and how he would need to change to create what he wanted. How willing was he to communicate more openly?
I wanted to know what his motivation or intention was in telling his wife about his affair. Was that coming from fear or freedom? He considered the following questions:
Would he be doing it for himself, for his wife or for his relationship?
Did his wife suspect the affair - had she asked any questions?
How much of it was him just wanting to unburden himself?
Was he afraid that he had put his wife at risk of getting a sexually transmitted disease?
What did he think would be the benefit of telling her, what did he want to accomplish? What did he fear might be the cost?
Using the above, we worked out the extent to which was he committed to working through the process and finding a resolution, knowing that the process might take time.
We discovered how he could be compassionate with himself and move towards forgiving himself.
Marital infidelity is a crisis for all involved. Yet all is not lost. Like any other crisis, people can learn to see it as an opportunity for change.
Glynis Ferguson is founder of Freedom from Fear Coaching and a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community (info@coachinghk.org)
