SIGNPOSTS
Dating with confidence
by Glynis Ferguson
Alice first came to me for coaching when she was going through a divorce. Having learned to take care of herself, work through her losses and go on to create an exciting career, she now felt ready to start dating again.
Alice had discovered that taking risks is how we learn to count on ourselves and build self-confidence.
She had taken many risks these past few years and rated herself as being pretty comfortable in her own skin. She enjoyed living on her own, yet when she thought about dating she felt uneasy.
We explored what it was she was most afraid of when it came to dating. She realised she was afraid of being betrayed and abandoned again.
Rejection hurts and the loss of a relationship - along with the anger and sadness that goes with it - can persuade us we never want to fall in love again. We talked about what she would lose if she was afraid to love again.
I asked Alice what she thought dating would give her? Was she looking for the fantasy soul mate? Was she looking for a man to make her happy? What part of her desire to love again was driven by fear? I asked how much more positive would she feel about dating if she replaced the word "dating" with "friendship"? That idea she liked, because what she longed for - like most of us - was connection.
Knowing that internal, unspoken expectations always end in disappointment, Alice decided to try dating that focused, not on her date being "the one", but on how she wanted to be.
She knew exactly what that was - she wanted to practise being herself. We then looked at what things she might be afraid to reveal on a date and what fears tended to emerge in her relationships, for example, people-pleasing, blaming and complaining.
The greatest thing we can do when we date is to be ourselves. How many of us in intimate relationships mutate out of a fear of displeasing or hurting our partners? When that happens, the interaction is one of pretence.
Most of us don't believe and trust in ourselves enough, so we put on a mask. Intimacy is knowing and being known for who we truly are in all aspects of our lives.
As an exercise, I asked Alice to consider what she wanted in a friend or a mate - what were the qualities she was seeking? I asked her to list 100 qualities and then narrow them down to five. Next, I asked her to define what it was she was looking for - specifically in terms of how these qualities would relate to everyday life. Then I wanted her to think about how much she exhibited these qualities.
I gave her this assignment as a trust building exercise - to help her in selecting positive friendships with a committed foundation to the same values. Next, we brainstormed on what would support her in the future. She decided to:
Practise smiling and saying "hello" to everyone she met. It was a simple exercise - one that showed a willingness to connect first. Many people when they date wait to be "picked".
Practise making small talk with men she felt attracted to - everywhere and anywhere - at work, in the bank, the supermarket, as well as on her girlie nights out. Learning the art of small talk taught her to reveal herself and to slowly build trust.
Focus on her intentions while dating and practise being herself. Alice knew this would help her in learning to share thoughts and feelings, and in defining her personal boundaries.
Ascertain whether her date possessed her top five qualities by asking questions, watching his behaviour and listening to her intuition.
Commit to having at least three dates with the same person (so that she has time to recognise the qualities she's looking for). No dressing to impress, simply an outfit that she feels good in. Set a time limit for each date. Change plans to see how flexible her date is willing to be. Say "no" to sex - save that until she is ready to make a commitment.
Be loving, be open-hearted and willing to see herself and her date as innocent. No judgments or making up stories out of a fear of rejection. Love herself, trust her feelings, and ask for what she wants.
Keep a dating log to focus on how she felt about herself during and after the date - noting whether her date had any of her top five qualities, and how she did in terms of living up to her intentions.
These tips helped her to focus, build her self-esteem and confidence.
Glynis Ferguson is founder of Freedom from Fear Coaching, and a member of The Hong Kong International Coaching Community (info@coachinghk.org)
