SIGNPOSTS
Dating Game
by Adair good
When looking for a partner, don't set out thinking you will find your dream man or woman straight away. Look at the dating experience as if it were a story: There is always a beginning, a middle and an end. The beginning is the exciting time when everything is fresh and new.
Begin by just being available to go out for a drink, a lunch, a walk or somewhere you can chat without the pressure of a "big date". Try to avoid an intimate dinner as you might find this puts too much pressure on you both to communicate properly and could end up a disaster as so many do.
If you fancy someone, or you know someone who fancies you, then take the plunge and ask them out for a drink. They can always say no, of course. But if you don't, then you'll never know if they might have been the one for you. I know a lot of women who asked their partners out and have had successful relationships as a result.
Once you're on a date it is the time to assess your compatibility. Look for signs of similar interests - does he or she laugh at your jokes? Finding your partner funny is important. You need to be able to laugh together. Do you find the same things funny? This is also important, so you can share a good laugh. A funny movie can be a good second date - humour is great for making you feel more at ease with someone.
The next and one of the most important things when looking for a partner is to see if there is chemistry. There needs to be that spark of excitement. Do you get goose bumps when he or she is close to you? It can either lead to lust or love, so be careful to recognise which one your date is after.
Avoid dating people who are selfcentered. Someone who always talks about themselves and doesn't ask about you or your interests will probably be selfish. And someone who seems unsure of themselves could be just nervous but if they lack confidence this could become a problem later on.
Controlling behaviour can also lead to problems. Look for signs that someone is always wanting to be the boss. Do they try and take charge or order off a menu for you even on the first date? Run a mile if you don't want to be controlled. Someone with a wandering eye, or seeming not so interested in you is also to be avoided. If they do that on the first date, they are obviously looking for someone else.
Talking about your backgrounds is a great way to break the ice and discover potential compatibility. For instance, if you talk about your families, look for healthy relationships with parents and siblings. Does this person have a good sense of themselves or do they have hang-ups with parents or brothers or sisters that could affect your relationship? Dating should be viewed as a journey whose experiences will determine what you do or don't want in a life partner. It is important that you know what you want. We should all be looking for love, respect and a partner falling in love with us for who we are, not a vision of who we should be.
Communication is key in a happy relationship. We need to be able to talk to each other freely and be heard. It is so important that your needs are met and that you feel free to express these. The relationship should always feel balanced, not one partner getting what they want at the expense of the other. Even in times of conflict we should always be able to talk things out to resolve issues as adults.
Clients I have had all agree that falling in love is the easy part. It's the staying in love that is hard. This is because you need to find someone compatible, who can grow with you as you potentially get engaged, marry, have children and grow old together. Go with your intuition or "gut feeling" when it comes to relationships. If it doesn't feel right, run a mile. Finding that special person is not hard if you know what to look for and what you want.
Adair Good runs Essential Coaching and is a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community
(info@coachinghk.org)
