SIGNPOSTS
Abusive relationships
by Glynis Ferguson
Sometimes during coaching a client asks: "Am I going crazy?" When Jenna started to work with me she said she felt there was something missing in her life. She had lost her spirit and, in particular, she was not totally happy in her marriage. On the surface all seemed well - she and her husband had a beautiful home, two lovely children and money in the bank. Jenna willingly played the role of housewife and mum.
We explored what was working in her relationship, what she felt grateful for. We then looked at what Jenna found to be frustrating. She said she often felt unappreciated and used. The harder she worked at creating a happy home, the less she seemed to satisfy her husband.
Jenna came to a session distraught and tearful. "Am I going crazy? What's wrong with me?" she asked me. Her husband had embarrassed her in front of friends at a dinner party. Later, when she told him how she felt, he accused her of being "too sensitive" and lacking a sense of humour. She felt hurt.
I asked her what she needed from her husband. She wanted respect and appreciation, to feel valued and loved, she said.
Jenna's husband was charming in public. Her friends thought she was lucky to have such a wonderful man. But behind closed doors, he was different. Sometimes he argued with her perceptions; at other times she felt judged, criticised, undermined and - worst of all - ordered.
With the children, he was at times critical. They tiptoed around him when they feared he was angry.
By asking: "Am I going crazy?" Jenna was questioning her own perception. I asked her how she felt, letting her know her feelings were real, and that she needed to pay attention to them. Jenna felt confused and sick in the pit of her stomach. That feeling in her body, she knew, told her she was compromising herself: "What if I'm wrong?" she asked - and in that moment Jenna could see she was giving her power away. When she realised her husband did say what he said, she was upset. She had enough self-esteem to recognise abuse.
If you are in a relationship that makes you fear going crazy because your perceptions are so different from your partner's, the priority is to commit to taking care of yourself. Here are some ways to do that:
Set boundaries. Decide what you will/will not accept from your partner by relying on your own judgment and feelings. For example, let your partner know you will not tolerate being put down in front of friends. If you go to a party or restaurant and feel uncomfortable, ask him to stop it and if you get no response, leave.
Be aware of your right to be treated with respect, dignity and understanding - and your responsibility to respect yourself and behave with dignity and understanding. When you play the victim, you fail to respect yourself.
Get professional counselling and ask your partner to go with you. Often he will refuse because he denies the abuse. Go to counselling with the mindset of first expressing what you love about your partner, what you appreciate and value. Accept responsibility for your way of being in the relationship. That might involve looking at childhood wounds and how unmet needs drive your behaviour.
Ask for the changes you want to be made in your relationship. Be specific. Many women think men should be able to read their minds and provide them with their heart's desire without having to ask. Male energy is not always intuitive or empathetic. Your partner may not have the skills to give you what you want.
Choose not to listen to abusive anger or desensitise yourself to what is being said. You can say to yourself, "So what? That is one view - mine is different."
Be aware that abuse is never about you; it is always about the abusers, their needs and the feelings they don't know how to express. Often when an abuser berates his partner he may be describing himself.
Tap into your inner strength - know that you can leave the relationship if you choose, and know that you will survive on your own.
When in an abusive relationship, you do live "on another planet" from the abuser - a different reality.
The abuser dominates and controls and is unable to communicate feelings. The abused looks to do everything to improve the relationship, to improve communication, looking to understand. She is interested in co-creating.
If you suspect you are in such a relationship, read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, which has helped the abused open themselves to the truth of their situation.
Glynis Ferguson is founder of Freedom from Fear Coaching, and a member of The Hong Kong International Coaching Community (info@coachinghk.org)
