Press the Pause Button! Coaching and Emotional Intelligence
by Dr Hilary Armstrong, Director of Training and Research, Institute of Executive Coaching, Australia and Hong Kong
Have you ever reacted suddenly in a way that you regret and afterwards cringed at the thought of what you said, or did? Have you ever stayed silent, when in retrospect you know you should have said something but you went blank? Have you left a situation that you just could not cope with but later regretted leaving?
If you answer yes to any of these things then you are in the midst of what Daniel Goldman (1998) termed an ‘amygdala hijack’. Why this is important is that often, in coaching, we come across people who tell us stories that fit the signals of an amygdala hijack.
“I was giving a presentation to the top 100 leaders at work… about consulting people for our new culture project... In the middle this senior manager interrupted me, ‘If staff did what we told them to do we wouldn’t need culture change –it’s all a waste of time!”. I know I should have responded but I just felt dizzy, rooted to the spot and I went completely blank. I could not say anything.
The frozen speaker is in the grip of a sudden surge of adrenalin that has blanked her out and frozen her to the spot. She is the victim of an ‘amygdala hijack’ and her emotions are in charge. After the adrenaline stops flowing, she regrets not responding. Instead of beating herself up, it might be more helpful to her to know that this response is a neurological thing.
The amygdala is an almond shaped bunch of interconnected neural structures sitting above the brain stem near the bottom of the limbic ring. For our purposes here – and too simply - the amygdala is the brain’s specialist for emotional matters. Think of it as an emotional terrorist, able to hijack the brain, causing it to flood the body with stress hormones geared to fight, freeze or flight. This response is part of our human makeup. It is biological and neurological and was, in the past, essential to our survival.
There are three signals of an amygdala hijack:
- a strong emotional reaction
- a sudden onset
- in hindsight – you wish later you had handled the situation more appropriately.
Being hijacked by the amygdala is common especially when working in high pressure environments and the consequences are often long lasting and debilitating. Many of us working as coaches in organisations are working with people who are captured in unhelpful ways by an amygdala hijack or who are victims of people who are unaware that they are operating out of their emotions without consideration for the effects their actions have on others.
“It was the middle of the meeting, and we were discussing our future. Suddenly, one of the team members lost his cool, ‘We would not be in this mess if management took more responsibility and made decisions’. It was not what he said but how he said it – he sounded so attacking. It was only later that I realised how inappropriate his behaviour was.
A recent study reported in the Australian Human Resources magazine cited that only 40% of managers talk to their team members about performance in their one-on-one discussions! One coachee said, “I would much rather avoid having a conversation with someone about their performance than have it. It is not in my nature”.
And this is where we come in as organisational coaches. Part of our role as coaches is to encourage people to grow their emotional intelligence, which means encouraging people with reflection, knowledge and skills to notice and acknowledge their emotional reactions but not be ruled by them.
The Importance of Emotional Intelligence (EQ)
Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is the antidote to our amygdala hijack. While the amygdala hijack is part of our brain structure and hard wiring, the brain is also a social organ that is ever changing, developing and growing. So is there light at the end of this tunnel for coaches? Fortunately, there’s a lot more to a brain than an amygdale, otherwise we’d all be unable to function because of our emotional responses.
In the case of our frozen speaker, the coaching question was, “What do you think the manager was trying to express in his criticism?”
The coachee was quick to respond,
“An hour later my reply flooded into my mind. I knew that all I should have done was reassure him. He was expressing fear – and it’s a fear many people feel – they are fearful about the change because it is safer and easier to manage people in a command/control environment”.
This response from the coachee – even though it was an hour later - was an example of how another part of the brain, the pre-frontal lobes, can act as an antidote to the amygdala hijack. When we can access our pre-frontal lobes in the moment, we then have a way forward with a range of emotional strategies that we have up our sleeves; when to challenge, when to praise, when to give constructive feedback, when to use tough love, when to influence, persuade, empathise or laugh at an unfunny joke. These emotional wiles and our ability to access them and use them is called Emotional Intelligence.
Four signs of Emotional Intelligence
- Self-awareness - noticing what is happening
- Self-management - pressing the ‘pause button’
- Empathy - seeking to understand others’ reality
- Responding appropriately to the situation
Why is this important for coaches?
This is important knowledge for organisational coaches (and probably for life coaches too). Research shows us that the greatest derailers of people in organisations are not being able to work in a team, poor interpersonal relationships, and difficulty in handling change. When people have high EQ, research shows that their ability to lead and manage organisational life improves considerably.
In fact many researchers think that EQ is twice as important as intellect and expertise combined. For example, in leadership positions in a consulting firm, people who scored high on EQ competencies delivered 139% more than others. In salespeople a high EQ is critical and can improve performance up to 300%. In jobs of medium complexity, top performers with high EQ are 85% more productive than average performer. In Leadership, Goleman (1998) studied core competencies at 500 organisations. EQ plays a significant role - up to 85%of leadership success is attributable to EQ! The critical factor for sustained achievement is not only a function of ability or talent but 80% of achievement is dependent on EQ - our ability to manage ourselves and others around us. It is the single greatest contributor to personal excellence and leadership.
Taking the First Step
It is possible to manage our amygdala hijacks. We are all familiar with the feeling of being overwhelmed by our emotions if we stop and reflect for a minute, and most of us have developed our own strategies for dealing with them. When we are overwhelmed by the adrenalin rush we only have milliseconds to change direction, but this is enough time to breathe, pause and think. We find people all have their own strategies and this is what we, as coaches, need to model and teach. Of course pressing the ‘pause button’ is only the beginning of the emotional intelligence journey, but it is the choice we make in this split second that can make or break our reputation and influence as coach’s who can make timely and considered decisions.
