Inner Conversations
This article “Building Quality Coaching Relationships: Reflexive Awareness and the Inner Village” is written by Dr Hilary Armstrong, Director of Training and Research, Institute of Executive Coaching, Australia and Hong Kong
When a person seeks coaching they have a story to tell. This story can differ depending on the social and cultural context the person is telling it in and the quality of the coaching relationship. It is important as one listens to a story to realise that a coachee’s story is full of things s/he chooses to tell, as well as many untold things. What determines this selectivity is the quality of the coaching relationship.
I have written previously that Common Factors Research demonstrates that 30% of therapeutic effectiveness is due to the quality of the relationship (Armstrong, H 2006: Hestia and Coaching: speaking to the ‘hearth’ of the matter http://www.iecoaching.com/media.asp ). The same can be said for coaching. Significantly, the quality of the coaching relationship is primarily the responsibility of the coach. In any coach training you will find the coaching relationship discussed in terms of qualities and values such as safety, trust, respect, empathy - all abstract words that mean different things to people. What we need to do is translate them into practice. The question is, what exactly do effective coaches do/be for these qualities to be present? In this article I will focus on one aspect, arguably the most important - the practice of reflexivity. Central to the coaching encounter is the coach’s ability to be reflexive, which, simply put, means to actively reflect on our own inner stories, our role and our reactions (i.e. our inner village) as we simultaneously listen to our coachees.
I like to think of an effective coaching relationship as a pool of shared meanings woven jointly with the coachee’s stories and the responses of the coach, both verbal and non-verbal.
It is the coach’s responses that are the focus of this article. Without reflexive awareness these responses can derail and prevent a successful coaching encounter. Coaching is not simply about a great method and superb techniques. Masterful coaches rely upon their reflexive awareness. This means they are open to more than one story being present, and recognise that it is the hidden stories that most often contain the obstacles to a coachee (and/or coach) reaching their potential. Effective coaches walk comfortably within their imagined inner village, knowing that this ability to reflect on themselves as they respond and intervene in the coaching encounter enables them to support and stretch their coachees out of their comfort zones and into the realms of new learning.
What do I mean by the “inner village?” We all grow an inner village of characters and stories from our life experiences, our social roles and our personal psychology. The inner village is made up of 'voices' or conversations, stories, ideas or mantras that echo through our thoughts. The village is populated with "characters" that are inner versions of the world as we have known it. Some characters of our inner village have more airtime than others. There can be inner voices representing a mother/father figure (not our real-world mother or father, but a generic and constructed inner version of them). There can be that 'bad-tempered teacher from fourth grade' who shows up as a powerful inner critic; there can be poets and artists, a happy go-lucky child, a carer, a soldier or a victim. In many peoples' lives these inner voices take on a life of their own outside our awareness. There can be quick thoughts that are triggered in the moment then fade away; there can be short term stories, and habitual, lifetime ones. Many lifetime and longer term stories are unhelpful to our potential. This is why distinguishing our ANTS (Automatic Negative Thoughts) from our PETS (Positive Effective Thoughts) is important.
I have supervised coaches who have long term internal mantras such “You're not good enough”, “You don’t know enough”, which, when brought to awareness are recognised as interfering with their ability to be present and open in the coaching relationship. The point is that the unhelpful voices from the inner village limit a coach's range of responses and therefore their ability to be effective.
The overall aim of coaching, I think, is to co-create a preferred story for the coachee with a theme, strategies and actions that enable them to reach their potential. To facilitate this, the coach creates a space for the 'untold' (including the coachee’s inner village) as well as the 'told'. S/he listens and actively reflects then intervenes with questions and activities supported by a stance of curiosity, hesitancy, connectedness and a beginner’s mind.
So how do coaches learn to listen and respond having taken their inner village into account and their role? A reflexive awareness is the inner conversation that occurs in parallel with our outer conversations. In our IEC coach training programs we employ a number of experiential activities which, first of all, build awareness of the inner conversation, and then, help people grow reflexive competencies including presencing, 'speed stating', 'balcony/dance floor', 'walking in the shoes of other'.
The reflexive process is a series of cognitive moves that can be identified as a negotiation between our inner village, our professional role of coach and our considered service to the coachee.
Move 1. Bring awareness to self as one listens, looks and feels the story.
Notice one's sensory grounded perceptions and intuitions. Trust them AND treat them with prudence. Question yourself as coach. Stay alert to strong positive or negative triggers. Recognise them as ripple effects in one's own stories. Ask yourself, "What am I thinking, feeling, hearing, and seeing?"
Move 2. Recognise one's role (including gender, class, age and culture).
Question oneself silently in terms of your role in terms of the observations, thoughts and feelings. Ask yourself as coach, "Does my role in any way shape what is happening?” “Is my role colouring my perceptions?” "Can it be used in a useful and constructive way?”
Move 3. Respond.
Recognise that any question you ask your coachee is a choice - a judgement you are making about what you see, hear, feel, and experience viewed through your own experience. So any offerings – including questions - are offered tentatively, hesitantly, allowing a space for the coachee to disagree.
As a coach continually ask yourself, "What was my idea behind that question?" "Why did I go down that particular track and not others?", "What is happening here?", "Is this to do with me and my self interest or the coachee's interests?
Move 4. Observe responses to your questions and interventions.
Ask yourself, "Is the coachee 'pulling away' from the shared pool of meaning?", "Are they reacting strongly?" "What is the level of discomfort?" "Is there no energy in the response?" "What is my energy level?" "Am I matching the coachee?", “do I need to raise the energy/lower it?"
Move 5. Question Yourself
As a coach be willing to be wrong. There is no such thing as a resistant coachee, just a coach going down the wrong path. If a question does not register with your coachee, recognise that there are many other pathways, perspectives and storylines that can be tried. Try another way, another style, another communication channel, another tool, evoke your favourite teacher. ("What would they say or do?"). Ask yourself, "What is happening here?", "What else could I ask?"
Whichever way you as a coach or potential coach grow your reflexive awareness does not matter, as long as you do it. Reflexivity is a life skill that belongs to a certain worldview - a philosophy about learning within a collaborative, co-created world. The spirit of great coaching practice is to enable, not direct, to ask, not tell, to challenge and stretch but not too far, and to be open to the infinite field of possible conversations that are always present. Inviting our inner villages into the coaching conversation with care and humility helps us embody this spirit.
