Coaching from the Heart – a Minister Coach Perspective

Adapted with permission from Dr. Dan Reiland's free monthly e-newsletter 'The Pastor's* Coach' available at www.INJOY.com."

Good coaches care about the people they coach. This is a simple thought but a true gift when it plays out over a long period of time. When genuine care is not in play the definition of success is quickly blurred if not completely compromised.

The 1996 Oscar winning movie Jerry Maguire is a great story about the heart of a sports management professional, Jerry (Tom Cruise), who is stressed out and lands in a frenzy about making money, even at the expense of the health and families of his athletes. He ends up having a nervous breakdown.The story takes a turn with Maguire connecting with Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Jr.) as his client who makes the phrase “show me the money” famous. The two of them face their demons, find their hearts, and redefine success. There is plenty of heart in the story and of course, Jerry gets the girl in the end. 

Jerry isn't a coach, but we can learn from his change of heart. When a coach's goal is more about being successful than caring about those he or she coaches, he or she will never be a good coach.

Long-term passion for coaching comes from caring about the player, pastor, or business person you coach. If it's just a business deal, it doesn't matter if you are good – eventually your coaching will become ineffective.

• The heart of a good coach is devoted to making a star, not being a star. It's easy to spot a coach who puts more effort into marketing himself over investing in the person he coaches. I don't mean this as an indictment. My purpose is to say there can only be one star in a coaching relationship. The key to that statement is “in a coaching relationship.” A good coach focuses entirely upon the best interests of the one she coaches.
• I sat in the office of a counselor, once, who seemed to want to tell me all about his life and stories of personal struggle. I suppose this is a style of therapy. But by the end of the session I was encouraging him and giving some friendly advice about his problems. He was a coach who forgot where the attention should be focused.
• This idea does not suggest that a good coach does not strive to improve his skills and abilities, or achieve levels of personal success. The idea is that the skills and abilities are all about helping the person who is coached become successful.
• Philippians 2:3-4 sums up this point well for the heart of a good coach. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
• The heart of a good coach is intuitively wise about issues of chemistry. You may be good coaching and coach a gifted person, but if the chemistry is off, it's not going to work. In general, I'm good with people, but there are a couple personality types that just don't work for me, and I'm sure I don't work for them. One is the “hyper back-slapping, syrupy positive, cheesy smiled salesperson” (How's that for a picture?) Hey, the world needs them and Jesus loves them, but I'm not coaching them!
• It's important to be honest about chemistry. When I'm hiring staff at 12Stone Church (formerly Crossroads) I'm obsessive about chemistry. Team fit is a huge deal. If I as a coach don't have chemistry with those closest to me beyond merely a professional rapport, I will not naturally migrate toward the person. If I don't naturally migrate toward the person we won't get enough time together and the coaching process is weakened. More important than the amount of time together is the quality of the time. A good coach in a relationship with the right chemistry looks forward to time with each person. The person coached feels the same way. This synergy of respect, appreciation, and good old fashioned enjoyment produces an effect that is difficult to quantify, but is quickly noticed when absent.
• The heart of a good coach rarely gives up but knows when to throw in the towel. This one is difficult for me. I'm slow to throw in the towel, to a fault I'm sure. Not giving up is a good trait and reveals a caring heart, but when it's time to throw in the towel, its time. Bluntly put, it is possible for a coach to hold on too long for reasons that are not caring in nature. In fact, they can be reasons solely focused on the coach him or herself.
• So when is it time to end a coaching relationship? Every circumstance is different, but three primary reasons are: 1.The person coached no longer desires to put forth the effort required to continue to grow. 2. The relationship has changed to the point that the chemistry is no longer positive and productive. 3. The process has plateaued, related to results and efforts toward growth not working.
• Throwing in the towel paints a good picture, but may not be the best phrase because it can give a picture of defeat. So let me add that it is natural and normal for coaching relationships to come to a close for the right reasons. These reasons include circumstances such as coaching goals have been met, the needs for the coaching have passed the coach's skill level, or the person coached has moved on to other endeavors.
• The heart of a good coach is honest about personal strengths and weaknesses. Maturely embracing the phrase “know thyself” is core to good coaching. A good coach is self-aware but not self-absorbed. There is a huge difference between the two. When you are self-aware, you know what you are good at and what you are not good at, and you are comfortable with that. When you are self-absorbed, you obsess over what you are not good at and seek attention for what you are good at. When you are self-aware you have a solid appreciation of yourself as you are. When you are self-absorbed, you have a selfish (or even narcissistic) love of self. This is often a false love based on personal insecurities.
• John Maxwell has coached me for many years. And though John is highly gifted he will quickly admit what he is not good at. For a general example, when it comes to coaching someone in something that is very intuitive to him, something that comes as natural as breathing, he doesn't coach others in that very well. For a specific example, he knows that counseling or therapy is not his gift! So, he's comfortable saying he's not able to coach you in that skill. Far too often people attempt to coach in an area they know very little about and therefore the coaching is ineffective.
• The heart of a good coach is genuinely warmed at the success of the one he coaches. I coached both of my kids as they learned to drive. From day one behind the wheel I instructed and gave them guidance through the process of how to drive a car. I will admit that there was more than one occasion when my life depended on their success – some very close calls! But for the vast majority of the time, and even now (I occasionally give them driving tips free of charge!) my joy comes from their success. Watching them find their new freedom, experience this right of passage, and continue in their progress toward adulthood is my delight.
• Chris Morgan is the worship leader at 12Stone Church, (formerly Crossroads), where I serve as Executive Pastor. He is an incredible worship leader and no one would ever complain if he led worship all the time. But in addition to a top notch worship leader he has become a world class coach of up and coming young worship leaders. Though Chris loves to lead worship, he finds deep joy and satisfaction in coaching apprentice worship leaders and standing back to watch them soar. This is the heart of a great coach!

*A ‘Pastor’ is a church minister or priest, or someone authorized to conduct religious worship.   

By Dan Reiland

 

 

 

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