You Can Be Right or You Can Be In Relationship
By Julie Gallinat
When we argue with our partner, we often say things in an effort to prove that we are right and they are wrong. This type of communication usually takes a downward turn, spiraling out of control until we feel physically exhausted and about as far apart emotionally as possible. Over time, the relational space can feel like a war zone with each partner feeling like they have to protect themselves against attacks of annihilation from the other.
This pattern of relating is unconscious. It does not get us to a place of feeling loved or feeling connected, and even when we win, we don't feel very good! We all know this dance. I don't need to explain to you what it's like, right? Instead, I want to talk about how to turn such a conversation around so that, when you and your partner have a difference of opinion, you are able to discuss it in a way that allows you to remain emotionally connected. Warming: It is NOT easy. It IS highly rewarding.
A conscious pattern of relating is one in which I hold my partner's opinion, his safety and well-being, to be as sacred as I do my own. When I am my best and most conscious self and I feel myself becoming tense in a discussion with my husband, I make a statement to that effect, "I'm feeling a tension rising between us about this." Then I put my story aside and become a receiver of his story, asking him to tell me more about his perspective while I listen well and mirror for him what I'm hearing him say until he has no more to say about the issue. The trick to being able to do this is to get really curious; he is an entirely separate human being from me. What he thinks and feels about something is completely separate from me. Because I live with this man and because I love him, I really want to know how he differs from me. I also keep in mind that our difference does not cancel one of us out. There is room in our relationship for us to both exist with our differences.
Listening to him in this way has the effect of slowing the discussion down so that it doesn't spin out of control. It allows me to breathe my way through the conversation. It allows me to see his point-of-view and to take it in and really get where he's coming from. And when I'm doing that, the level of energy with which he explains his point-of-view changes from being aggressive to being compassionate. From this place, he's able to choose his words carefully so that I can hear him. When I can hear him, my story sometimes shifts from being very different from his story to being less different from his story. When he's completely finished sharing his point-of-view, he is able to listen to me explain mine, completely. And sometimes his hearing my story causes a shift in his story making our stories seem much less different from the start of our conversation. (I use the term "different" because our stories will still be different since we are different people with different life experiences and different perspectives.) This is a very conscious and intentional process for both parties.
I teach couples to discuss loaded topics in this way. I have noticed that the mirror, "I heard you say ...", is often followed with, "Did I get that right?" It reminds me of a quote by a philosopher named Rumi: "Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there." I used to get tearful whenever I spoke this quote. It gives me the image of each person working to understand the position of the other without a sense of rightness or wrongness, a peaceful process of love and respect, absent of tension, full of curiosity and wonder, and I imagine deep down that everyone I'm sitting with wants that experience. So I encourage the person providing the mirror to ask instead, "Have I got You?" or "Am I hearing You?" Getting the essence of the other, or feeling gotten, understood, is what the tension is all about and I believe it's what we all long for in our intimate relationship .. to be known, understood, gotten, accepted. The connection that occurs in this process is very powerful.
When two people work together in this way for a solution, a third option appears. This third option is often a win-win for both parties. It's an idea that comes from having listened fully to the completeness of an issue for both parties and so it takes into account details of importance that generally go unspoken and / or unheard. A solution is not always reached; sometimes it's enough to have a better understanding of each other without reaching a solution. But a win-win solution can never be reached without such a conversation.
So you can be right or you can be in relationship .. what do you choose?
Julie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker trained in the States; she is a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist and a Certified Workshop Presenter of Imago theory and practice.
Julie is passionate about helping couples and families experience a connection through dialogue. She supports people in learning to stay connected as they work through the tensions that are inherent in relationship, helping people develop dialogical skills in which each experiences a deeper knowing of themselves and of the other. It is in the structure of an Intentional Dialogue where we experience emotional depth and safety so that our defenses relax and we can remain connected in the moment. It is only in this place that win-win solutions can be discovered.
Contact Julie - Website: www.juliegallinat.com or info@juliegallinat.com
