When Intimacy is Missing
By Glynis Ferguson
Most clients who come for coaching at some stage say they want to improve their relationships. They tell me they want…more passion, more intimacy, more connection, more tenderness, better communication….they want more love!
When the subject of love comes up, I want to know how do they define love…what does it mean to them? How do they experience love? How loving are they…towards others…to themselves? Love means different things to different people. Be sure you know what you are looking for!
One of our basic human needs is for connection. We all long to be heard, seen, understood, accepted, and loved. Yet, how many of us are willing to share ourselves, completely, with another?
Connection is what motivates our actions, thoughts and feelings. How do you connect with others? How much do you listen, offer support, a hug or a smile; how much do you share, or ask for help? How do you behave when you are connected? Are you accepting, compassionate, centred, open, warm? What else? In what ways do you react when you feel disconnected? Do you blame, complain, take things personally, distance, withhold, yell, or act disrespectfully?
True intimacy comes from the way we connect with others. I define intimacy as knowing and being known for who we really are in all aspects of our lives. It’s about being able to bring the truth of who I am to you, being perceived and accepted for who I am without you needing to fix me – and you being received and accepted by me for who you are without my trying to fix you. We can simply be.
It’s impossible to achieve intimacy if we are not in touch with our thoughts, feelings and desires. We cannot achieve intimacy unless we are willing to let our partner ‘in-to-me-see’. And we can only understand the other if he shares himself with me.
To be intimate we need to be true to ourselves. When you are true to yourself you are beautiful. You are beautiful when you are willing to bare your soul, be openhearted and vulnerable. Your willingness to be vulnerable shows your true strength.
When we are not being true to ourselves, who is showing up? How is the interaction? It is one of pretence. Most of us don’t believe and trust in ourselves enough, so we feel compelled to put on a mask and hide our shameful self, those parts of us we disown.
So, what stops us for being intimate? Some of the psychological impediments to intimacy include possessiveness, obsessive thinking, compulsive behaviours and controlling attitudes. Of course FEAR does a great job in preventing us from sharing ourselves! Fear of rejection, fear of being seen to be weak, fear of not being good enough, fear of getting it wrong, making a mistake, fear of upsetting our partner, fear of confrontation …… and perhaps underneath it all fear of being abandoned.
For some being intimate means that someone will get hurt or be betrayed. Often they will say –
- You can’t trust women
- All men are cheats
- I don’t want complicated, or emotional
- No one wants commitment any more
- I don’t need a relationship to be happy
When we can’t let go of past wounds, we often avoid being vulnerable because we are unwilling to trust again. Emotional discomfort has us distancing from the very person we long to be close to. To find peace with loss we need to learn to forgive.
What can we do if we want to achieve more intimacy? Here are a few tips –
- Connect with yourself. Be present. Be aware of your body; trust your intuition. Align your head with your heart!
- Be vulnerable. Trust yourself. Speak your truth and share how you think and feel with your partner. Listen to your partner express himself. Ask questions to clarify. Express anger fully – in a way that is empowering to you, never disempowering to the other. Think about what need has not been met when you feel angry. Reflect on how you can meet that need. Learn how to express appreciation so that your partner knows what they did, how you feel, and what need of yours was met. Equally, learn how to receive appreciation gracefully – without feeling superior or humble.
- Whenever you find yourself reacting to your partner and having negative thoughts about him, ask yourself “is it true, or am I making it up? What else could be true?” Challenge your thoughts. Ask yourself who would you be without the thought, how would you behave. Turn the thought around so that it applies to you and see what you can learn about yourself!
- If you find yourself about to say to your partner ’you should…’ or ‘you must…’ stop and ask yourself how you can know what’s right for your partner, is it your business. Then listen to your own advice for it’s meant for you!
- Get clear on your values. Set boundaries. Your ‘yes’ means nothing if you can’t say ‘no’!
- Dance interdependently in your relationship. Embrace your dependence – know what you need and desire. Value your independence – know your uniqueness and have a sense of your contribution, and at the same time respect the other’s gift. Work together for your mutual benefit - knowing you depend on each other and contribute to each other, appreciating your own and the other’s independence.
- Learn your ‘love language’ and ask for what you want. Ask your partner to do the same! Is your love language - time, touch, words, acts of service, or gifts? The chances are that your love language is different to your partner’s!
- Choose how you want to see the world – choose to see beauty, love and innocence!
- Think about what quality of being might support you in being more intimate and practise tapping into it. Would it serve you to be …more trusting, truthful, courageous, compassionate, more loving…..what else?
- Be playful – have fun! Do something that makes you and your partner laugh and gives you pleasure. Be silly!
Love is messy, love is risky. If you want more love in your life, BE love.
“Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all”. |
Resources –
- Fearless Loving – Rhonda Britten
- The Five Love Languages. How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate - Gary Chapman
- Nonviolent Communication – A Language of Life - Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Glynis Ferguson is founder of Freedom from Fear Coaching™ (www.freedomfromfearcoaching.com).
She is a Certified Fearless Living Coach II and an Associate Certified Coach with ICF (International Coach Federation).
She is a Certified Trainer of both Fearless Life™ and Change Your Life™ workshops. If you would like Glynis to present either of these workshops in your area, or work with her as your coach, please contact her by emailing - glynis.freedomfromfearcoaching@gmail.com
Glynis coaches clients around the world by telephone/skype.
